Nightdiary

After each night with a guest I wrote some words. On one side it was in order to show my side in the whole performance,

on the other side it was also a help for me to assume this strange and unusual situation.

 

21.7.00	I sleep very badly. The noise of the camera and the light disturb me. I want to stop the whole project. I am freezing and exhausted in the morning. I have 39° fever. There is no way back. Body contact feels natural.
26.7.00	I am very nervous like for a first date. I clean the appartment and wait for him. To my surprise we feel very quickly an intimacy. No feeling of being strangers. Body contact feels natural..
30.7.00	I am shy and so is he. But I like it. It reminds me of nights in my youth. As if we were somewhere in the mountains. Timid body contact.
18.8.00	I am lying between two beautiful women. But I can't concentrate on one of them. Everytime I want to talk to one I have to turn my head around. The night is warm and I know exactly why I don't like to lie in the middle. I choose some positions and try to stay in one of them for a while. There is body contact because we are three in the bed.
25.8.00	We have fun and laugh a lot. But there is also a tension. I have the feeling that everyone is on his own. I don't feel any real intimacy. Sometimes it seems to be here but then it's also already gone. Body contact is shy.
11.9.00	I am quite nervous. I ask myself what is expected from me. Interesting talks. I have wild dreams. No body contact.
23.9.00	New room, new bed. The room is less confortable than I thought. I feel imprisoned and exhibited. I have more and more problems to give any intimacy. I see that I close myself. A strong body contact. I think that the room causes this. We need something private, personal.
1.10.00	I know the guest already, but not very well. I don't like to go to the Stadtgalerie because of this room which is not made for sleeping. And finally we go to bed. We are near one to the other but also very far from another. No contact. Then, after a while I feel his body. He asks me if it is ok. I don't see a problem. The bodycontact brings us nearer to each other.
20.10.00	The second last night in the Stadtgalerie. I'm not happy to sleep again in this room, but I'm happy to meet the new guest even if I just know her name. The diner becomes for me more and more the place of intimacy and of exchange. The night in the bed looses its appeal also because I'm always tired after the conversation and I see that I'm not ready anymore for closeness. I fall asleep very fast. And I have a bad conscience for that. No body contact.
21.10.00	Two consecutive nights are too much. I feel nearly as a victim of my own project. I get the feeling that I'm loosing control. How much does it need until I say no? The diner is nice, also our walk to the Stadtgalerie. But as soon as we are in the bedroom there is a certain insecurity. Any intimacy seems to have disappeared. All three are first avoiding the bed until they have to approach it. I lie on the border. So I can be on my own. We lie body to body because of the small space. I fall asleep very fast. I feel the body of my neighbour. The others are too far away. I think in the morning everyone is happy that it's over. Away from this room. Strong body contact. It's ok.
3.11.00	I don't know the guest. I'm surprised that somebody makes the effort to come from Zurich and I wonder what his motivation could be. I ask myself also if I would do the same. In bed every one is equal, vulnerable and human. So am I. The whole thing is absurd. What are all these people doing in my bed? No body contact.
24.11.00	Probably the last night. I close the project in my thoughts. My cousin is here. I've seen her only twice in my life. I don't know her at all. Strange. The family unifies us. Some questions are impossible. No body contact.